Living With a Heartbreaking Loss

Almost a year ago, a tragic event struck down four bright young men and left a gaping hole in four families and their communities. Lifelong friends Alexx Bauer, Matthew Roe, Evan Weaver and Riley Zimmer were seniors at Angola High School. On the afternoon of March 26, 2011 the boys were returning home after a fun-filled spring break trip to Florida. Their car was traveling north on I-65 through Alabama when another young driver, 21, crossed the median for an unknown reason and hit them head on. No one survived.

The devastating loss has forever affected the lives of family and friends surrounding these young men. One such family is Janet Roe, 46, and Ellen, 15, her daughter and Matthew’s sister. The three of us talked one blustery winter afternoon about life since Matthew’s death.

Janet welcomed me into her home, her petite, well-dressed figure and tastefully decorated home not surprising. She is the founder and owner of One Eleven Design, an interior design and office furnishing business located in downtown Fort Wayne. Formerly of Angola, Janet commuted back and forth to Fort Wayne, sometimes twice a day for the kids’ sports and activities. After her divorce in 2006, she relocated to Fort Wayne permanently. Ellen and Matthew lived with her until Matthew returned to Angola to live with his father, Philip Roe, and attend Angola High School, the family’s alma mater. 

In the warm, cozy kitchen, pictures and papers telling the story of Matthew’s life and accident were spread over the table. Shortly after my arrival, Ellen returned home from dance practice, her hair piled atop her head in a makeshift bun. She plopped down at the table with us, hugging her knees to her chest as we talked. A framed 8x10 photo of Matthew rested prominently on the kitchen bar overlooking the room. His smile seemed to light the room and the stories Janet and Ellen told reveal why. 

“Matthew was always goofy. He loved to play jokes and was hardly ever serious,” Janet related as she told of when he put a rubber band on the sink spray nozzle awaiting a victim. He got her. 

Ellen chimed in with a broad sisterly grin, “He loved to tease me. We were super close.”

How does someone cope with such an unthinkable loss? Without hesitation Janet replied, “My daughter is my purpose and hope. I try to be strong to help her get through this.” 

In addition, Janet finds comfort in working to make the boys’ lives count—to make good come from something horrific. Fundraising for the Fourever Friends Scholarship Fund is one expression of that desire. Each year, several students from Steuben County will be selected to receive a scholarship from the fund managed by the Steuben County Community Foundation. In addition to raising money to get the scholarship fund to be self-perpetuating, Janet is dreaming up ideas to strengthen families, bring communities together, inspire young people to use their God-given talents and do great things for others and themselves.

One such idea is to create a “For The 4” event, which could include a basketball tournament with parent-child teams, a talent show, a four-mile run/walk and motivational guest speaker. 

“The event has two objectives; to raise money and to strengthen bonds within and between families,” Janet explained. “It sounds cliché, but I want people to love and hug their kids more.”

Another passion flowing from her heart is focused on teens and families. 

“Kids think they’re invincible, smarter than parents,” she suggested. “The dangers we try to protect them from are real; they need to listen to their parents. And parents need to know what’s going on with their kids.”

Needless to say, the loss of her brother has left a huge void in Ellen’s life. She writes a letter to Matthew every night. 

“I’m still in denial,” Ellen confessed. “I talk about it with my friends, but they don’t understand. When they complain about not getting along with their siblings, I say that I’d just love to have my brother here.” 

Ellen’s faith is helping her cope. 

“In October 2010, I accepted Christ. Without my faith, I don’t know where I’d be today,” she explained with sincerity. “I could easily have gone down a bad path without God in my life.” 

Each room in the Roe house contains precious memories of Matthew. Janet showed me Matthew’s childhood toys lovingly placed on his bed. His yearbook rested on Ellen’s desk. We paged through it to see the memorials and Matthew’s baby picture on the senior’s page. Janet’s loft was piled with newspaper clippings and pictures to be sorted and preserved. On the floor were boxes of thank you notes yet to be sent to the 800+ people who have helped in so many ways. These are unwritten because of the finality that act would bring. 

“I’m still somehow not willing to accept it is real,” Janet expressed.

As I left the Roe house, I walked into a dark, rainy night. For the mother and daughter I’d left inside, the cold of grief is present, occasionally warmed away by shared tears, memory-induced smiles and laughter.

Soon it will be a year since the tragic spring break loss of the Angola 4. Janet and Ellen Roe, and the family and friends of Alexx, Evan and Riley lost their beloved son, brother and friend. Life will never be the same for any of these families. But Janet and Ellen’s grief tells the story of a son who was deeply loved and a family courageously learning how to move forward with strength, hope and a positive focus. They are learning how to live the best they can with their loss in honor of Matthew.